I hesitated on writing this blog post because part of me is embarrassed and part of me doesn’t want to give the influencing people the satisfaction to know they hurt me. However, I am writing anyway because I am not the only person who has changed themselves because of another and looking back I wish I hadn’t
On the day I stopped dancing we were out at a club, having fun, dancing in a big group and laughing. After a little time I went outside to cool down and talk to some friends, then it happened, the snicker and laugh from the person I was dating at the time “haha, you dance like a white girl.” Like this was the worst thing you could do, indicating they felt I had horrible and atrocious dancing skills. This wasn’t the first time I had heard this before, some other people I called friends had told me that before too. Mind you, the friends that told me this were not dancing themselves, they sat on the sidelines watching others have fun. That day I let my spirit and freedom die a little bit, I turned down my self-expression, I changed myself and I stopped dancing.
Today my partner and I were playing around, dancing and he remarked “you dance so much more now than we first got together.” I realized I was allowing myself to be free again, slowly unpacking my stifled self-expression and I was feeling safer. In reflection I regret the countless times I could have danced and opted to stand, the times I tapped my toes instead of sway my hips, the times i felt the music inside but kept my physical body in chains. Dancing is freedom, it is beautiful, it is fluid, it is exactly as its supposed to be. If I could do it over again, instead of changing myself I’d encourage her to come dance too, maybe she felt the need to drag me down because she was afraid of her own self-expression.