Tag Archives: Overcoming Fear

To Unlearn the Past

pictures-of-love-hdFear is such an uncomfortable feeling we often mask it. From the outside we may seem angry, or perhaps even indifferent, appearing to others like we don’t even care. When truthfully, just underneath the surface we’re torn apart, afraid of our own weakness. Some time ago, as children we were taught to “never let them see your fear” and the wall building began. The ones we love most we push away, afraid to let them see that we’re hiding our weakness and fear. The very thing that can set us free, our own truth and vulnerability, when misunderstood, keeps us caged. The words aching on the tip of our tongues, burns our  mouth and seals our lips, hardening our hearts. We push others away, rejecting them before they reject us. Attempting to be in control of our own perceived inevitable pain. Believing that if we burn ourselves it will hurt less than allowing another to burn us. Fear of our own inadequacy imprisons us, we tell ourselves that we’re “not good enough” or that “we don’t deserve” blessings. Sometimes we even destroy the best things in our lives because we believe  we’re not worthy or that we deserve punishment.

There is however, always one thing that can break through all these pains, fears and insecurities…love and honesty. Tell the ones you love most the truth “I love you, and I’m pushing you away because I’m afraid .” Let them know you’re afraid to be vulnerable because inside you fear you’re not good enough or that they might leave you. But remind them that you’re a work of art and you’re changing and growing every day. Invite them to grow with you, ask if they’d like to commit to a partnership of honesty, openness and trusting vulnerability. Is it scary? Of course! But the rewards far outweigh the pain. Knowing without a doubt that someone is willing to work through difficult times with you can help prevent the preemptive sabotage and self-destruction. If we all have multiple people in our lives we commit to supporting and being supported by the security and joy we’ll experience cannot be measured. This leaves us free to focus on our own growth and manifesting the life we want and deserve, but first we must believe we deserve it!

Do you believe?

Reach out to the ones you love today. Remind them how much you love them, openly share your fears. Trust you will be safe.

Namaste

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The “C” Word

FurFam-IMG_0157I was 14 years old and living in South Florida with my father and step-mom. One night we got in a really bad fight, there was screaming and things got physical. What we were fighting about I cannot remember but I know the last stinging words I uttered were “I hate you.” That night I packed my bags and moved to live in Texas with my mom.  I did not talk with my step-mom or father for over a year.

After almost 2 years I got an urgent phone call from my aunt. With a shaky voice she shared that my step-mom had lung cancer and had been admitted to the intensive care unit in the hospital. I was in shock; I had no idea that she was sick, my entire family kept that from me.

With the help of my mom I booked the soonest flight possible and I was on my way back to South Florida. As my flight landed and cell phones could be turned on again, I frantically called my aunt to find out where I was going to meet them. With a deep sigh and a barely audible whisper she let me know that my step-mom had just passed; I didn’t even get to say goodbye or that I was sorry, or that I really did love her. I collapsed in one of the airport chairs and cried for what felt like hours.

For years this pain tortured me, I felt guilty for never being able to apologize and I blamed myself endlessly. I was a total wreck, taking Tylenol PM to fall asleep and NoDoz to function in the morning. I refused counseling, pretended I was fine, stuffed my pain deep down and held a strong front because “big girls don’t cry.”

It was not until my early 20’s that I began to work on healing. But as you know when you don’t heal from something painful it has a way of recreating itself over and over until you do.

I found myself in a long-term relationship with my first girlfriend. After about a year together she was diagnosed with what doctors called an “incurable disease”. Crushed and with a hopeless desperation I tried to push her towards every holistic healing method I could find.  When nothing was working I pushed her away because I could not bear her being sick.  We had a messy breakup and even now we still have a difficult relationship. For years I have held onto this guilt and pain.

It’s been about 3 years and here we are; the same pain has been coming back up again, asking to be healed. My grandpa has been suffering with cancer and my best canine friend Arya has been diagnosed with Lymphoma and was given at most a few months to live.

During the last few weeks our family has watched as Arya slowly got worse and worse.

On Christmas Eve this year she took a rapid turn for the worse, she wasn’t able to breathe and could hardly walk. We made an emergency call to our mobile vet.

As we sat together I told Arya how much I loved her. I thanked her for her unconditional love, friendship and joy she shared.  I told her how grateful I was for her being there for me during every broken heart and emotional time I had. She kissed my face and with her eyes told me she was ready. She laid her head down on my leg and peacefully drifted off.

I finally healed a part of me that was so afraid of death, so afraid of sickness. This time I overcame; I loved her till the end without pushing her away.

I still hurt, but I know everything is going to be all right – I still feel her presence and am grateful she is no longer suffering.

To everyone suffering with pain and loss: Hold strong, there is a gift in the beginning and ending of life.

Arya taught me that

 

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